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I remember Hoverboy

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1 I remember Hoverboy on Thu May 20, 2010 6:12 pm

I Remember Hoverboy
By E. Ann Bardawill

My sexual awakening took place in 1976 at the tender age of 15 & 3/4, just before Star Wars culturally obliterated everything else in its path.

During a renovation in my parent’s stately bungalow in one of the higher end neighbourhoods of the Jane & Finch area, I stumbled upon one (of the many I later discovered) Tijuana bibles based on Hoverboy being used for insulation. I read it repeatedly until it fell to pieces, then ultimately consumed by my dog, Tinkles, who later died from asbestos contamination.

HoverBoy’s nemesis in this issue was his identical twin, LoverBoy, the only visible difference being that LoverBoy spoke in wildly poetically romantic dialogue, (The word balloons embellished with roses and stamen-heavy blossoms). Loverboy’s cunning tongue was worthy of Cyrano De Bergerac, abet if Cyrano wore a bucket on his noggin and snorted Spanish Fly like cocaine.

The thin plot, if I recall, was that LoverBoy, on aphrodisiac-induced high, was ravishing his way across the city, leaving heaving bosoms and dishevelled maidens (and one rather startled crone) in his ample wake.

HoverBoy, unaware that his amorous double was on the loose, is confronted by recently and happily ravished HoverGirl, who never does grasp she was thoroughly banged by LoverBoy and not Hoverboy. She then spends the rest of the book trying to repeat the experience with HoverBoy with less than spectacular results. If I recall correctly, she makes due in the end with HoverDog and some peanut butter.

The idea of a masked mysterious lover, his hopefully decent-looking features obscured by a metal casing formed the basis for my metallic mask fetish in later years. The mere thought of The Man in the Iron Mask, Dr. Doom, or Ironman still gets me through the inevitable gaps in my sex life, - well that, and Duracell 'D' cells.

This fetish has resulted in several dehabilitating and repeated cases of tetanus in my medical history (despite repeated booster shots) but I am hopeful the results of my lawsuit against the Hoverboy estate will be favourable and I can pay off the high-priced specialists at the Lockjaw Clinic soon.


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